On Pins & Needles

Well I guess it's the final hour of this battle that has been going on between my hubby and myself. Hubby just informed me that he is going to go over his buddy's house for a little while and then he is going to come back and we are going to talk. He said that he doesn't want me to be arguing... I ask what does that mean? And he replies, exactly that. So I guess my worse fears have come true. He is leaving and finally going to tell me that he is leaving.

So during this time I am prepping myself so that I can be strong when he tells me that it's over. I don't want my weakness and love for him to cloud what he is saying to me. I want to hear it with both ears and eyes wide open. I mean there is nothing left for me to do but accept that he doesn't love me anymore and that he is ready to move on. I tried to be the strong supportive wife and help him through this really troubling time in his life but I guess that I wasn't good enough for him.

Time will tell!!!

Well I must say that these last couple of days has been a real eye opening experience. I am now just as confused about our relationship as my hubby. I don't know if he is leaving or staying. I guess this weekend will tell me which he is doing considering he has the weekend off. I mean right now he is laying in our bed watching t.v. but that could all change in the blink of an eye. He could get up and start packing his stuff to go. I am sooo utterly confused and just don't know anymore.

Well last night was his job corporate night for a lack of a better word and they went out to a famous amusement park. I am guessing that the park didn't close until about 2 a.m. because I finally convinced myself that it was okay to call him at 3:45am because the last time I had talked to him is when he left to take our daughter to school and for work the morning before at 8:30am. So I felt that I was within my rights of trying to see what was up. So I called and to be honest I didn't think that he would even answer the phone but he did and I asked where he was at and he said that he was on his way from dropping off his buddy. I was like okay and we talked about his time at the amusement park and while it felt really weird for some reason I was actually happy that he was even talking to me. LOL SO we talked all the way until he got here. But I guess we are still at odds because I was on the couch and he went into the bedroom with our 1yo son and he went to sleep.

Do I need to be more aggressive about things? DO I need to go out of my way to show him that I still care for him even though he told me to my face that he doesn't feel the same about me? I mean I have soo many unanswered questions at this point that it is really annoying. I am still trying to stay on the positive side but like I said before, it's soo hard. This is really no way to live. I understand that he is confused but at least try and make some sort of decision. If it means that you have to leave for awhile while you get your thoughts together, it's a decision. I feel like I am in limbo right now not knowing his next move. To be honest I wonder if he feels the same way... In limbo??

I want to talk to him but I really can't right now for fear that he may just trip out on me. Then I thought about writing him a letter but I know that would only make him act weird also. So since we were tlaking about me going out and getting a job, I thought that I would go in the room and ask what his plans for the day were. Then I could ask him if he will take to go look for a job and I will see waht reaction I get to that. Then if he says yes then I can ask him what hours should I put as available on my applications and that right there will tell me what his intentions are because I would need to work around his schedule. So that is one way to get some sort of answers, right?? Hell it's worth a try and it's better than him not talking to me at all.

The path will be revealed and will I like the outcome I can't say for sure because like I said, I still want to be with my hubby but it seems that he doesn't want to be with me. May the Goddess reveal a clearer path!

This is sooo hard!!!

Him saying that he is no longer IN love with me has gotten me seriously messed up. I know that he still is because he sounds doubtful and isn't convinced of what he said. He feels sooo much guilt that he can't get past that. I also know that love changes from that stupid goo goo gaa gaa love to serious hardcore cement love. We are past the lust stage but we are still hot for each other.

I can honestly say that I am losing my mind... LITERALLY!!! I can't stop crying because I am hurting sooo much. This is like the ultimate pain I have ever felt that doesn't involve direct physical pain. I never knew that emotional pain could be this hard. I have no one to talk too about this situation IRL. It seems like he is okay with all of this because he has people to talk to about the situation IRL... his homeboy, one of his female co-workers (she's a nice lady and i have met her) and his family (but they give some really fucked up advice). Me on the other hand, I only have my mom and dad. It's getting really hard.

Like today I didn't get up until it was time for me to pick up my dd from school. I stayed in the bed all morning and get up 10 mins before I needed to leave and got dressed. I cried as I walked to her school and after I picked her up, I started crying again. Of course every time that she would look up at me I wouldn't let her see me because I don't want her to worry more than she already does.

This is really hard because I know that he doesn't mean that he doesn't love me... it's that guilt that he can't get over that is making him act like a total weirdo. I just need to be strong but it's soo flippin hard with my hormones already being all messed up because I'm pregnant but also to have the stress of this is making me a total lunatic!!

I know this is going to sound bad but I can't wait until it's ALL OVER!!! whatever we find out, we should be able to move on. Whether it's his baby or it's not, we have to come to some kind of resolution not only for the sake ourselves but for the sake of our children. This isn't fair to them at all. They need peace in their lives and the only way that they will be able to achieve that is to have two loving parents that are both mentally and physically stable.

I don't know where our paths will lead us but I am praying to the Goddess that it leads us to road of recovery and rebirth. I still say that this baby that I am carrying is a strong willed individual because it's hanging strong and not only is it staying put but thriving amidst all of this turmoil. I thank the Goddess for blessing me with the opportunity for allowing to carry another soul into this world. This baby will be different and bring forth change!!!

We had our talk!!

Well when he came home, he was upset because I sent our daughter to my parents house because I knew there was going to be arguing and she is really feeling the effects of everything as I found out this past weekend. First he didn't want to talk to me because she wasn't here but I kept on pestering (for lack of a better word) him and we finally began to talk.

Well it seems that he doesn love and care for me but he's not IN love with me anymore. He says that his feelings for me has changed. I then had to ask then why do oyu still wear your wedding band if you are not IN love with the woman that you are married too? He said because he is still married and he will wear it until he gets a divorce. Can anyone explain that one to me??? Then he takes his wedding band off but holds it the whole time that we contiune our conversation.

As we keep talking and NOT arguing, he tells me that he's really stressed out and that he needs help... in other words, he would like for me to go out and get a job. I told him that I have been asking him to take me out for almost 3 weeks now but he had one excuse or another. So we are going to go out and start job hunting for real this time. Then he goes on to say that I don't comb our daughter's hair every day... how is that possible??? she goes to school so of course her hair is combed. LOL Then he says that the house isn't impeccably clean... welll I have been under the weather for how long ladies but I do make sure that the front part of the house (living room, dining room and kitchen) are clean. He did say that he is happy that I am always cooking now though. LOL

Then we sat in silence for a little bit. Then I finally asked him if he wanted to get a divorce or would he like to separate for a little bit while he gets his thoughts together. He didn't have an answer for that. Then he if we were to get a divorce we would have joint custody and I laughed because I already knew that. He said that he didn't if I was going to trip out or something. I don't know who he has been listening to but they have been giving him some botched information about me. I go on to ask him if he doesn't want to be married anymore and he said he already gave me that answer but I don't remember it. So I press about it. My last question to him was "are you ready to throw in the proverbial towel now?" He says that he doesn't know and I asked will you let me know when you ARE ready and he said yes.

At this point his wedding band was back on his finger and he was getting into OUR bed. Not going to sleep in our kids room or the couch. I know he still is IN love with me but he's having difficulty dealing with allof this shit that is going on in our life. I am sure that even though he keeps talking about leaving... well he isn't that one that actually keeps talking about it... it's me asking him. So I don't think that he wants to leave.

I guess only time will tell what is going to happen in this relationship. I have done all that I possibly can to keep us together and now it's up to him to prove that he still wants to be here! I am done stressing myself out over this. I can't anymore because I have lsot some of my hair and not to mention that I also lost a tooth. My mom says it due the stress plus being pregnant. I don't want ot wind up snaggle tooth and bald.

I tried to talk to him!

Well I noticed that he was getting dressed and I thought that was kinda funny considering all he would be doing is picking our daughter up from school. So I asked him where he was going and he at first he didn't say anything. Then he said that he would be back. Iwas like what?? Then he said that he was going to get our daughter. Which I already knew but I was like you are putting on pants and it's like 80 some odd degrees outside. Very unusual for him. So I tried to talk to him and he just kept brushing me off and not giving me straight answers. It seems like he is hiding something from me. So I say to him, are you trying to hint something off to me and he said something like what? Like you are leaving? Why have you been ignoring me... He said I am not ignoring you... Like hell he's not. Then I just gave up because it was like he was mocking me.

BUT he dropped our daughter and older son off and left again. I don't know where he is going. I asked him and he said that he would be back. What the hell is that all about?? Is it all a big secret?? He said that he will give me an answer when HE is ready. What is this??

I guess it's finally over. Yes you read that right. After all of this time that I have tried to stand by my hubby, I think he has decided that he can not handle it anymore. He is currently at the girl's house talking with her. No he's not leaving me for he but he can't be with me anymore. He says he doesn't feel the sam eabout me and that our connection is virtually missing. Well could it be because you are spending time with this pregnant girl?? I am almost numb to all of this to be honest with you. I don't know if I want to cry or what. I am just here. I am waiting for him to come home, so we can have our FINAL talk because I can't take how he has been distancing himself as of late. I hope for his sake that this is his child because if it's not he has thrown away an 8 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman.

Am I Foolin Myself???

Am I fooling myself into believing that my hubby really still loves me and wants to be with me? I mean am I thinking with my heart or is my mind trying to fool me? Like I have already said, we hardly talk and when we do it's like 2 words if that. He has been distancing himself from me for almost 2 1/2 weeks now and counting. I mean we don't even make love like we used too. It used to be like almost every day but now it's maybe once a week. I guess he really doesn't love me anymore and I am just being nieve about the whole thing.

All I know is that I love my hubby despite all of this and I feel so bad that this all has happened but I feel as if I am getting the shaft. I guess I wasn't forgiven enough for him. I guess I didn't make it all better right at the beginning. I guess my love isn't what he wants anymore.

I know at this point that he thinks that I am irrational but I am not trying to be that way. I am trying to be the devoted wife that has stuck by her man regardless of his shortcomings but he seems like he wants me to be that raging lunatic of a wife so he can say.. see I told you she was going to go ballistic and make it out to be my fault.

Even though he is sitting in just the other room from me, he really isn't here with me. It seems like we just keep arguing and ever since we had that conversation about connections not being the same, it has really been plaguing on my mind. I have been trying to figure out why our connection isn't the same and I came up with a couple of thoughts.

1) We aren't connecting because he is preoccupied with his life outside our home & relationship, that he isn't devoting the adequate amount of energy to our relationship.

2) We aren't connecting because I am always on the defensive about how he is acting, or where he's been or who he's talking too and it just makes him act out even more.

3) We aren't connecting because we aren't both working toward the same goal. It's like we are constantly fighting against each other instead of with each other.

4) We aren't connecting because we are Both afraid!!! For him, I don't really know what he is afraid of. As for me, I know that I am afraid that no matter how hard that I try that he will still not love me and will wind up leaving.

Do I think that we should not be together anymore?
~ NO, I don't think that at all.
Do I want us not to be together anymore?
~ NOPE!!
Do I want our relationship to get through this rough patch and us come out even stronger??
~ HELL YA!!!

Our emotions are sooo confused right now that, we are saying spiteful & hateful things that we really don't mean. Now a days I try not to argue because it is just a waste of energy that could be used in a more positive way.

I really hope that he knows that I love him dearly and that I will do almost anything for him... I will not murder, sorry! But I have and will continue to be here for him as long as he continues to treat me with respect. I can't say as long as he loves me back anymore because he doesn't love me like he used too. It's a sort of mutated love at this point. It's like he loves to hate me. You know the love/ hate relationship? LOL

I want to believe that he loves me and want to still be with me but his actions are proving otherwise... No I am not just talking about him coming home at 1:23am but his body language and his constant ignoring me. I guess when he said that he was going to love me better on Mother's Day, he wasn't really sure or he has now cjanged his mind.

This is all sooo hard because I am sharing my hubby with another woman. I neber thought that something like this would happen. I thought that I had found the perfect man. The man that would never hurt me but I was oooohhhh so wrong. He has hurt me in the worse way and it seemslike he doesn't even care. Well actually he has told me that he doesn't care. So I am sooo confused about what his intentions are at this point. I know you are probably wondering why am I still here with him because I can't let him go!!! I love him sooo very much... he is my heart and soul!!!!

Trying To Be Positive!!!

It's been a while since I have last posted but I really need to clear my mind. Okay in my very first post I mentioned that my hubby and I have been going through some rough times. Well here is what I mean by rough times. I found out on March 18th, 2006 at 8:34p.m. that my hubby cheated on me, January 14th with one of his co-workers. But to make matters worse is that she is now pregnant. We are unsure if this is his baby or another guys baby. She went to the doctor and he said that she got pregnant between Jan 4- January 10. She asks the doctor could she have gotten pregnant on the 14th and he said that it's a possibility.

According to all of what I have been taught , I am pretty sure that this isn't my hubby's baby but we won't be sure until the paternity test is done. She is due in October so we have to wait until the baby is born before we can get one done. While I am trying to keep positive about the whole situation it is really hard not to hate my hubby for this. He continually blames me for making him go out and do this. It's really hard for me to think that I made him go out and do it. Yes I may have pushed him away but I am unsure exactly on how I did that either.

Right now he has told me that while he still loves me, he's unsure if that is enough to keep him here. I would think that is all the reason to keep him here with me. He has told me that we don't have the same connection like we once used too and I agree we don't. I've been doing really good these last couple of months on trying not to dwell on the situation at hand. I guess sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me and I may do something that he doesn't like but I am not trying to make him hate me in anyway. All I want to do most days is just sit and cry but I know that is not going to make the situation change or better. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should just throw in the towel or continue to fight. I actually catch myself depressed some days because I am unsure if this will be the day that he says, I can't be with you anymore. I know that isn't a way to live and I am trying to look at the bright side that he is still here but it's really hard. There will be times where we don't talk to each other for days on end and that is really hurts my feelings.

Also do you know that I can't take enjoyment in my pregnancy because of all this. While it wasn't suppose to happen, I am not going to treat it as if I have some sort of disease. I still walk my daughter to school every day which it is a 1.4 mile walk ONE WAY and I do that twice a day every day except for when I have to do it 4 times a day or when my hubby has off and he drops and picks her up. When I was 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I started some unexplained bleeding which the docs said that I was having a threatened miscarriage. It was a little devastating to say the least but I could see the relief for lack of a better word in my hubby's face. He in the beginning kept telling me he doesn't want anymore kids, so that would have been a solution for that. He even looks at me as if I am diseased or something. I feel as if he sees this baby as being a problem.

I really think that he genuinely doesn't me at this point and he is trying to convince himself otherwise. I feel that while I still love him despite all that has gone down that his love for me is really gone. I mean he likes me a lot but he doesn't love me. It's like he goes out of his way to show me how much he doesn't love me almost every single day. I understand that he is under some serious stresses right now because of the situation but that right there should make him want to show me how much he loves me, not the complete opposite. I don't know if he still thinks that I want him for the kids. That can't be the further from the truth. I want him for ME and I wish that he could see that unblinded but he can't. Or maybe it's he doesn't want too?! I feel that he is looking for any reason at this point to leave. He tries to say that I bring up the situation but I am not thinking really $0.02 about the chick. Like I told him, I am worried about him and his feelings. He says that I have been hurting hi for years and that it just finally came to a head. I sit her now in tears because I have this really horrible feeling that no matter what I do, he is going to ultimately leave me anyway whether it's his or not.

I have prayed about this situation until I have turned blue in the face... Let me tell you that is a feet considering I have medium caramel colored skin. I have meditated, lit candles, cleansed my house. Basically anything that you could possibly think of I have done it. It like we aren't even married anymore. I feel like all hope is lost. He just leaves the house without saying anything to me. He ignores me and gets mad if I ask him what is wrong. If this is love... wow I don't want to know what hatred is like. LOL

I just want to state for the record that I love my hubby with ALL of my HEART, MIND, BODY & SOUL!!! I know that sometimes that it may be hard to see that but he should know by now how I grew up and my circumstances. It's hard for me to be affectionate the way that he wants me to be. No I am not frigid or anything like that but it's hard for me to show my feelings. Hopefully he can see that before it's too late and he walks out of the door for good. No I don't want him to do it but it seems like that's what's going to happen no matter what I do or say. I love you more than words can say!!