Trying To Be Positive!!!
It's been a while since I have last posted but I really need to clear my mind. Okay in my very first post I mentioned that my hubby and I have been going through some rough times. Well here is what I mean by rough times. I found out on March 18th, 2006 at 8:34p.m. that my hubby cheated on me, January 14th with one of his co-workers. But to make matters worse is that she is now pregnant. We are unsure if this is his baby or another guys baby. She went to the doctor and he said that she got pregnant between Jan 4- January 10. She asks the doctor could she have gotten pregnant on the 14th and he said that it's a possibility.
According to all of what I have been taught , I am pretty sure that this isn't my hubby's baby but we won't be sure until the paternity test is done. She is due in October so we have to wait until the baby is born before we can get one done. While I am trying to keep positive about the whole situation it is really hard not to hate my hubby for this. He continually blames me for making him go out and do this. It's really hard for me to think that I made him go out and do it. Yes I may have pushed him away but I am unsure exactly on how I did that either.
Right now he has told me that while he still loves me, he's unsure if that is enough to keep him here. I would think that is all the reason to keep him here with me. He has told me that we don't have the same connection like we once used too and I agree we don't. I've been doing really good these last couple of months on trying not to dwell on the situation at hand. I guess sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me and I may do something that he doesn't like but I am not trying to make him hate me in anyway. All I want to do most days is just sit and cry but I know that is not going to make the situation change or better. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should just throw in the towel or continue to fight. I actually catch myself depressed some days because I am unsure if this will be the day that he says, I can't be with you anymore. I know that isn't a way to live and I am trying to look at the bright side that he is still here but it's really hard. There will be times where we don't talk to each other for days on end and that is really hurts my feelings.
Also do you know that I can't take enjoyment in my pregnancy because of all this. While it wasn't suppose to happen, I am not going to treat it as if I have some sort of disease. I still walk my daughter to school every day which it is a 1.4 mile walk ONE WAY and I do that twice a day every day except for when I have to do it 4 times a day or when my hubby has off and he drops and picks her up. When I was 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I started some unexplained bleeding which the docs said that I was having a threatened miscarriage. It was a little devastating to say the least but I could see the relief for lack of a better word in my hubby's face. He in the beginning kept telling me he doesn't want anymore kids, so that would have been a solution for that. He even looks at me as if I am diseased or something. I feel as if he sees this baby as being a problem.
I really think that he genuinely doesn't me at this point and he is trying to convince himself otherwise. I feel that while I still love him despite all that has gone down that his love for me is really gone. I mean he likes me a lot but he doesn't love me. It's like he goes out of his way to show me how much he doesn't love me almost every single day. I understand that he is under some serious stresses right now because of the situation but that right there should make him want to show me how much he loves me, not the complete opposite. I don't know if he still thinks that I want him for the kids. That can't be the further from the truth. I want him for ME and I wish that he could see that unblinded but he can't. Or maybe it's he doesn't want too?! I feel that he is looking for any reason at this point to leave. He tries to say that I bring up the situation but I am not thinking really $0.02 about the chick. Like I told him, I am worried about him and his feelings. He says that I have been hurting hi for years and that it just finally came to a head. I sit her now in tears because I have this really horrible feeling that no matter what I do, he is going to ultimately leave me anyway whether it's his or not.
I have prayed about this situation until I have turned blue in the face... Let me tell you that is a feet considering I have medium caramel colored skin. I have meditated, lit candles, cleansed my house. Basically anything that you could possibly think of I have done it. It like we aren't even married anymore. I feel like all hope is lost. He just leaves the house without saying anything to me. He ignores me and gets mad if I ask him what is wrong. If this is love... wow I don't want to know what hatred is like. LOL
I just want to state for the record that I love my hubby with ALL of my HEART, MIND, BODY & SOUL!!! I know that sometimes that it may be hard to see that but he should know by now how I grew up and my circumstances. It's hard for me to be affectionate the way that he wants me to be. No I am not frigid or anything like that but it's hard for me to show my feelings. Hopefully he can see that before it's too late and he walks out of the door for good. No I don't want him to do it but it seems like that's what's going to happen no matter what I do or say. I love you more than words can say!!
According to all of what I have been taught , I am pretty sure that this isn't my hubby's baby but we won't be sure until the paternity test is done. She is due in October so we have to wait until the baby is born before we can get one done. While I am trying to keep positive about the whole situation it is really hard not to hate my hubby for this. He continually blames me for making him go out and do this. It's really hard for me to think that I made him go out and do it. Yes I may have pushed him away but I am unsure exactly on how I did that either.
Right now he has told me that while he still loves me, he's unsure if that is enough to keep him here. I would think that is all the reason to keep him here with me. He has told me that we don't have the same connection like we once used too and I agree we don't. I've been doing really good these last couple of months on trying not to dwell on the situation at hand. I guess sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me and I may do something that he doesn't like but I am not trying to make him hate me in anyway. All I want to do most days is just sit and cry but I know that is not going to make the situation change or better. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should just throw in the towel or continue to fight. I actually catch myself depressed some days because I am unsure if this will be the day that he says, I can't be with you anymore. I know that isn't a way to live and I am trying to look at the bright side that he is still here but it's really hard. There will be times where we don't talk to each other for days on end and that is really hurts my feelings.
Also do you know that I can't take enjoyment in my pregnancy because of all this. While it wasn't suppose to happen, I am not going to treat it as if I have some sort of disease. I still walk my daughter to school every day which it is a 1.4 mile walk ONE WAY and I do that twice a day every day except for when I have to do it 4 times a day or when my hubby has off and he drops and picks her up. When I was 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I started some unexplained bleeding which the docs said that I was having a threatened miscarriage. It was a little devastating to say the least but I could see the relief for lack of a better word in my hubby's face. He in the beginning kept telling me he doesn't want anymore kids, so that would have been a solution for that. He even looks at me as if I am diseased or something. I feel as if he sees this baby as being a problem.
I really think that he genuinely doesn't me at this point and he is trying to convince himself otherwise. I feel that while I still love him despite all that has gone down that his love for me is really gone. I mean he likes me a lot but he doesn't love me. It's like he goes out of his way to show me how much he doesn't love me almost every single day. I understand that he is under some serious stresses right now because of the situation but that right there should make him want to show me how much he loves me, not the complete opposite. I don't know if he still thinks that I want him for the kids. That can't be the further from the truth. I want him for ME and I wish that he could see that unblinded but he can't. Or maybe it's he doesn't want too?! I feel that he is looking for any reason at this point to leave. He tries to say that I bring up the situation but I am not thinking really $0.02 about the chick. Like I told him, I am worried about him and his feelings. He says that I have been hurting hi for years and that it just finally came to a head. I sit her now in tears because I have this really horrible feeling that no matter what I do, he is going to ultimately leave me anyway whether it's his or not.
I have prayed about this situation until I have turned blue in the face... Let me tell you that is a feet considering I have medium caramel colored skin. I have meditated, lit candles, cleansed my house. Basically anything that you could possibly think of I have done it. It like we aren't even married anymore. I feel like all hope is lost. He just leaves the house without saying anything to me. He ignores me and gets mad if I ask him what is wrong. If this is love... wow I don't want to know what hatred is like. LOL
I just want to state for the record that I love my hubby with ALL of my HEART, MIND, BODY & SOUL!!! I know that sometimes that it may be hard to see that but he should know by now how I grew up and my circumstances. It's hard for me to be affectionate the way that he wants me to be. No I am not frigid or anything like that but it's hard for me to show my feelings. Hopefully he can see that before it's too late and he walks out of the door for good. No I don't want him to do it but it seems like that's what's going to happen no matter what I do or say. I love you more than words can say!!
posted by Hurting Mama at 6:06 PM
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