Sometimes I Just Want to Scream!!!

I don't know maybe I am demented or something but common courtesy would tell someone to call or text if their plans have changed, no?? I mean you call me at 6:20pm and tell me your are taking your co-worker home giving me some long sob story and then I am expecting you to come home. Silly me! I shoudl have known since you were going toward the direction of your good buddy who just happen to get the new playstation 3 that you wouldn't be right home. I just wish that you would take the courtesy to give me a call to let me know. Hell it's not like it will take away any of your mins, we have mobile to mobile. I guess I am suppose to assume that is what you are going to do.

Sometimes I wonder if you like having the whole animosity between the 2 of us. Does it give you some kind of thrill or something? I mean why would you do that? What is the point? i just feel like a total idiot at this point. do you want to be with me or are you just here for the kids??

Like we have some very serious decisions to make at this point about where we are going to be living come the first of Dec. Have you given it any thought? You told me that the kids and I will go and stay with my mom and you will go and stay with yours until we can get us a new place but how long will that be??

When to call it quits!!!

no i am not leaving my hubby. actually things are actually starting to get better for us since the results came back and we had a serious discussion regarding where we from here.

BUT here is what i am talking about. i know for a fact that homegirl has tried to call hubby twice this week... once on monday and again today. to the best of my knowledge he hasn't called her back... not on his cell phone anyways. don't ask me how i know about who he talks too on his cell phone... i just do!!!! LOL i believe she left him a message on Monday due to the duation of the call (1min) but not today (5 secs).

hello chick are you not getting the picture here. he hasn't returned your calls and he hasn't picked up his phone when you call. the times that she is calling him at he isn't even at work yet so he could talk to her if he wanted too BUT he is choosing NOT TOO!! it looks almost like she is desparate or something. you guys didn't have a relationship and if you THOUGHT you did and that he was going to be with you even after he found out the baby wasn't his, you were horribly mistaken. he doesn't want mess up his situation that he already has established with me and our children.

part of our discussion was about being COMPLETELY honest with each other and would have to to tell me that he talked to her because i asked him not to talk to her anymore as there was nothing left to be said. results are back and he isn't the father, so she needs to go elsewhere with that. plus he is suppose to be starting with a clean slate and that sure is a way to FUCK IT UP quick!!!

Why Do I Hate Him So???

It seems that not a day goes by without me feeling some kind of contempt for this man. Iknow it's all part of the roller coaster ride that we have being goign through these last year but i seem to feel more numb more and more EVERY DAY!!! The more I sit here with the kids and try to do the things that he wants me to do I get more and more angry with him. It seems like all he does is yell at me these days and it's getting quite annoying or all he wants to do is have sex. I mean there is more to me than my pussy and the emotional punching bag!!! I think I really need to take some time out and think about where I want this relationship to go, if I even want to stay in it.

I thought that things would get better but they seem to be getting worse. Yeah we are generally happier but we are still not happy with each other. I guess he thought that my attitude toward him was going to change once I found out the results and I thought that he would try to make me happy to ensure that my attitude would change but it seems that we both are not really trying to hard at this point. I can't do it anymore because it is too draining and since I am the one who is home with the children all day and he is only here long enough to sleep and shit. I have to have all of my wits about me. I don't want my hostility toward him to affect my children. It's really hard right now considering my hormones are on their thing right now and that my 2 youngest (3 & 1) are being their ages and boys at that. I have to step away from them because they drive me crazier. LOL

I will have to say that this blogging has helped me out tremendously!!!! There are times like right now that I don't have anyone to talk too and I start to go insane but since I began blogging whenever I feel like I am about to lose it, I start to feel TONS better!! It's like I get to release a lot of frustration that I have pent up inside of me. It's kinda of funny because it's almost like I am writing my own novel. Yes I am sure many women have gone through this exeperience but how many of them really chronocialized how they felt? How many of them let the world read into the souls? Not many. Some women are too ashamed because they felt like it was their faults. I have learned from this experience that it's nout our fault that our mate decided to cheat on us. They did that on their own. Marriage isn't suppose to be easy and there will be tough time but just because there are tought times doesn't mean that you run for the border when the first signs of a storm hit.

Be strong ladies!!! We will survive with or without that one that you love!!

Still in a State of Confusion!!

I really don't know to approach how I feel at this point. I have tried to talk to hubby about his feelings for me but it seems that he is being elusive. For instance last Friday, I bring up that I feel like I just got a roller coaster and it feels weird to stand on solid ground. He kinda got all quiet and then tells me to spit out what I am trying to say. I told him that I am unsure of how he feels about me. He gets quiet.

I know this may just be me being suspicious due to all that has happened BUT I feel like there is someone else in his life and that he is only here now out of principle. I don't want to accuse him but he has given me his wedding band and that seems like something really strange to do considering the situation. I think I may ask him when he gets home tonight why he has given me his wedding band. I can't help but imagine the worse at this point considering he said that he would stop wearing only when he got a divorce. Plus earlier this week I couldn't put mine on due to my hands being swollen and he took his off then. At this point, I am pretty sure that he doesn't want to be with me but he just doesn't want or know how to tell me.

While I am sad about this, I am being to become numb to it all. HE has hurt me sooo much these past few months that I pretty much expect the worse at this point. I don't want to accuse him of cheating again but I am afraid that it's happening. I am hurting sooo bad at this point and I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I wanted the nightmare to end but I don't feel like it has.

Is he lying to me about who he is with? Who he is talking/texting on the phone? Why does he keep coming home hours later than what he says he will? Hell is he still talking to the girl that he had "feelings: for? I mean there are soo many questions going through my head at this point that it's not even funny anymore. Does he still even want to be with me? I mean he said that I should know how he feels at this point because he is still here but how do I know that he is here because HE WANTS TO BE HERE or not for some other reason? Is he still leading a double life? The one with me and the one that doesn't involve me?

I just don't know what to do. I am sooo utterly lost and I am being to actually HATE him unlike before when I just couldn't see straight and disliked him a lot. But now it seems like the more that I try to trust him the more he shits on. I guess at this point he really does have to do some spectaculr work for me to even try to trust him when he is not in my presence. At first I used to be comfortable with the thought that he is at work but considering that is where he and the girl hooked up that shit is out the door. Now this other person that he is talking too if in that way also works at his job.

What the FUCK is going on here??? Where did I fuck up sooo bad that I am getting played by the man who claimed to be sooo devoted to me? Did I wrong him soso badly that he is just going to continue to lie to me day in and day out? I mean is he cheating on me with another woman? Is there someone else that he is secretly talking too but it hasn't escalated to the actual sex act yet? I mean all of these thoughts are running through my head at this time.

I would say that I am just being stupid but it seems like he tries to stay out as much as possible. Like he texts me saying that he would be home around 6:30pm but it's already after 7pm. Should I call or text to see if he even left where he was supposedly at? No I have found myself not wanting to check up on him because he is where HE wants to be. Maybe I am stupid for trying to salvage something this marriage when it appears that the other party doesn't give a damn if we stay together or not.

Lately I find myself wanting to send him emails about how I feel but am afraid that he will tkae it the wrong way. I mean the last email that I sent him he took parts of it the wrong way and I was only responding to his email. It seems that he just doesn't care how I feel these days or what his actions are proving to me. Just because he still wants to have sex with me doesn't make me feel anybetter. I actually feel worse and oftern times find myself crying while we are doing it. He doesn't see of course because the lights are off. I just feel like he is doing it because he morally has too because we are married.

This marriage is so not cool anymore. I never in my life would have pictured it this way. I know it happens but it wasn't suppose to happen to me. I have been the dutiful wifef. I have been strong and stood by my hubby during the hard times as well as the good. How was I rewarded??? I can't even look into his eyes or face anymore because I hate him with all of my being. All I can see is him with another woman and not even the original mistress. It hurts sooo much because I trusted him with my heart and he knew how hard that was considering what happened to me in my past. Now he not only broke it but seems to continually be doing it.

I thought that I would feel different!!!

But I can honestly say that even though I know that he is not the father of this baby, I still don't feel any different. I really did think that once I found out the results that I would somehow have different feelings but it seems that I have been doubting his love for me for soo long that I still don't trust him and my love for him has seemed to change.

It seems like I fought sooo hard for this but now it seems that maybe I really didn't want this at all. I think it is in part the way that he is treating me. No he isn't treating me bad or anything like that. I just feel insignificant to him now. I mean I feel like he is going to do whatever he wants because he knows that I will still be here. I guess I am suppose to feel privilaged that he stayed with me but I can't get the thoughts out of my head that he was willing to throw it all away just a month ago.

I know that he is probably still talking to the girl and I think that is totally disrespectful but I don't know how to approach the situation. I don't feel comfortable with him talking to her but then now that I think about it. If he is still talking to her then matbe he is still unsure of where he wants to be.

Results!!!!!!!!!!!

well i found out the results yesterday at 4:25pm but have been in utter shock. so i guess i can tell you what the results are now that i am able to type.

the results of the paternity test for

the baby in question

My hubby

IS NOT

the Father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do I feel? you ask. Well where to begin. I had this sinking feeling from the beginning because I thought that his attitude was telling me that he WAS the father BUT i didn't want to read into anything without PROOF!!

He was suppose to pick me and the kids up from our daughter's school but he wasn't going to make it in time so we just walked home. We beat him home because he went to the grocery store first to buy OJ and some other little goodies. Still I wasn't trying to read into anything. We had to sit outside the house until he got here because I still don't have the key for the bottom outside gate lock.

After he put the groceries away, I was sitting on the couch with our kids and was just waiting for him to tell me BUT he handed me the envelope and walked away. My heart was beating outside of my skin so it felt and I was shaking but I didn't know what the results were. So I started reading and when I finally got the bottom there in black & white was those magic lines:
Parenting Index: Approximately 0
Probability of Paternity: Approximately 0%

I know that most of you would like for me to leave my hubby but I am not at that point in my life right now. I know he has done all that there is possible to warrant me to leave short of child molestation and murder... did i say that right? He has not done the last two things. Plus I don't want to make a decision based off of unfounded feelings too. I mean when I didn't know if this was his child and while I was waiting for the results, I told everyone that if he were the father that I would have no other choice but to leave because I don't think that it would be fair to me or my children to have to share him with another woman and child. There wasn't any other conclusion that I could find rational even in my pregnant hormonal state.

I know that you say that I should look into the future and see that this can happen again... the cheating... but if i were to think that he could think that of me also. I did cheat on him when we first got together 8 years ago. We had been together for like 2 weeks and I slept with my ex-boyfriend. Hubby and I broke up but then we got back together again because he really cares for me. I know the situation is different because we are married with children when he decided to do but if we were to go off the old saying... once a cheat, always a cheat... that would mean that i would cheat on him again. i haven't and don't plan on cheating on him again so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't do it again for fear that he may get the girl pregnant.

Well, he and I finally talked this afternoon about everything. How he's feeling and all that. He said that when he got to the office and looked at the baby, he knew that wasn't his child. I guess the nurse lady gave him the results in an envelope and he gave them to "S" to read and she read them to him and his reactions was like.. "what??!!!" and she read them again to him. He took the paper from her and looked at it and saw the results and he said that it felt like a huge gorilla had jumped off of his back. He didn't know how to react because he wanted to jump up and down but then he didn't want to act an ass.

He could tell that she was upset and tried to console her. He told her that she needs to call guy#1 and let him know that he has a child. I guess there was only the two of them as originally stated from when this all first came out. He asked her if she really thought that this was his child and she said "no!". he told her, yes you did because if you didn't you would have told your mother the truth. she cried of course and asked him if wanted to keep the results and he said, yep i'll make a copy for you!

so now we enter the next phase of this relationship. the recovery, heal and rebuild phase. i already have set in my mind that now the ball is completely in his court regarding whether we stay together or not. i have given him all the chances in the world and now he has to be on the up and up. how does the old saying go... fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you, sorry there won't be a third time. he has used up all of chances/ strikes. i will be well within my rights to leave if he messes up again.

The results are in!!!

While I am still unsure of the results as my hubby is currently at the place right now. I can't but expect the worse in this situation because of something that my hubby said to me before he left. He said that both he and the girl believe that he is the father of her child. He also said that he would be happy if the child is not his but I know that he will be happy if it IS!!!