The wait has begun!!!

Hubby, girl and baby took paternity test on Friday. I can't wait to get the results back but in a way I am really scared too. What if it comes back his baby? What am I going to do? Will I stay with him and share him with some other woman and child? These questions keep running through my head right now. I love my hubby but do I love him enough to stay with him if this is his child? Do I want to keep my marriage and family together?

I am sitting here all teary eyes because I really don't know what I am going to do if this is his child. I love my hubby, Goddess knows how much I love my hubby but I don't really know if I have the strength to help me cope with this. It is taking all that I can muster just to get up every day and see his face with all the uncertainties already.

Like tonight after we go trick or treating with our kids, he is going to the girl's house to visit with the girl and the baby. I can't live like this and I know I can't. I am not strong enough to do this. My heart hurts too much and I need to be strong for my children. I feel like my world has changed and it will definately NEVER be the same again!

He just walked out the door and I am here in tears. Not just because he is going to see this girl and it's already 9pm but because it seems that we will be separating anyways. I got some messages from my Dad stating that he has found someone to live here that can move in this weekend, so it seems that hubby got his wish. He gets to have his freedom. I want to believe that in a month we will back together in our new apartment but it's really hard to believe at this point because he keeps spending the money. Not to mention that the results for the paternity test will definately be back and may not WANT to get back with me, if the child is his.

I am utterly lost once again and I don't have anywhere to turn. I believe everything happens for a reason. I know that it will hurt me to see my hubby leave as I have already experienced that but maybe it's suppose to be this way because he really doesn't want to be with me and he isjust living a lie. I don't know!!! This dual life thing really sucks and I want a resolution!!!!!!!!!!

Got to keep positive!!!

Well today my hubby and I got into an argument and to be totally honest I really don't even know why. He stormed out of here like you wouldn't believe and let me know that he is mad at me. Not only is he mad at me, he was going tover to "S" house to visit the baby. So of course I am already uneasy about the whole thing. I don't know how he expects me to react.

He did write me a letter last week about how much he loved me and that he hopes that we can get through this together and love one another like we used too. But having him leave the house like he did and act like a total jerk leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. He wants me to just be okay with everything but that isn't going to happen for while yet because we still need to find out if this is his child or not. They don't take the test for 2 days yet and then will still have to wait an additional 4 days after that. So what are we looking at the end of next week??? I did tell him that I don't know how I will feel if this child is his and I don't know where our relationship will be either. This is hard as it is and to think that I would have to share my hubby with another woman and child is really unbearable!!! I won't even lie about that. It's the truth.

I am not as confused as I once was but now I just think that his actions are speaking louder than his words! I will just have to continue taking this day by day... hour by hour.. minute by minute!

Updates Galore!!!

Alright a lot has gone one over here in the last 2 weeks that I have been off line. There is soo much that I don't even know where to start. First of all me and the baby are doing fine.

Okay I guess I will start at the beginning. On Monday, Oct. 2nd hubby gets home from work and tells me that he has finally made up his mind on what he was going to do... a.k.a his plan. He told me that he has decided to leave. I wasn't all that surprised as I had been expecting it to come eventually. SO I ask him when he would be leaving and he said the weekend because he has it off. For a minute i was like okay whatever and then I flipped and told him that he had to leave right then and there. I didn't care that it was almost 11pm, he wants to leave soo bad then he needed to pack his shit up and go. He was a little taken aback but I kept on ranting that he doesn't get the luxury of choosing when he was going to leave. He doesn't want to be with me then he has to leave right then and there.

So as he is packing his stuff up he starts to crying and all that jazz. Oh I forgot to mention that he called his parents and they were on there way along with his younger brother who is 23/24.. can't remember right now. LOL I know this is not funny but you know all of his belongings can fit into 5 bboxes? Anyways, while he is packing I am making a palette for the baby and I to sleep in the kids room. So after finally gets all of his stuff together , kisses all of the kids goodbye and gives me the keys, He walks out the door at 1:10am on Oct. 3rd. Of course once he left I fell apart but all of the kids were sleep so they didn't see me. I was sooo proud of myself because the whole time that he was packing and stuff I didn't shed one tear. Yay me!!! Oh I forgot to also mention why I wasn't online since that night. He got mad at me because I locked the computer up so he couldn't use it. LOL SO he took it apart and up until today I wasn't able to get it to work. His parents made him leave it here with me.

Around 7:45 am on Oct. 3rd he calls and asked if daughter was awake yet and I told him yes and he said that he wanted to speak to her but I had already told her that Daddy had left so when she got ont he phone she fell apart. He was a little upset because I told her but I didn't care. She asked where he was because he normally drops her off on his way to work. He then calls a little later and asks if he could come over so we could talk. I told him that there was nothing left to be said unless he was meaning that we were going to be talking about the "d" word. He said that that was the farthest thing from his mind. He said that he wasn't done talking but I still told that it wouldn't be a good idea considering our children especially our oldest. He said that he was still going to come over anyways and talk to me through the door if he has too.

He arrives around 6pm, he left work early and I let him in the house because I was on the phone with my best friend and she lives in Kentucky. I wasn't going to hang up just because he came over. LOL He needed to spend the time with his children and let them know that everything was going to be alright even if he is not in the home with us. After about 45 mis he turns off the t.v. and lights and starts to walk out the door. Where are you taking the kids???? He said that he wanted to take us grocery shopping... which we still needed to do. We get back from our trip and I start to do laundry. LOL He looks at me like I was crazy or something. Then he finally asks me to stop what I am doing so we can talk.

We talked some more and he tells me all that I want to hear and when he said that he loves me and is still in love with me the water works turn on full blast. Couldn't contain them at this point but I told him the same goes for me but he was right we did need this time apart because we both needed to decide what we truly want. He stays until the kids fall asleep and then leaves to his parents house.

I wake up about 3 to go potty and find that I got both a text and voicemail message from him. He says that he loves and misses me and he will come out here to visit with us later on that day because it is his day off. Well when he came he not only brought himself but a couple of the same boxes that he took with him two nights previous but he kept them in the car so I couldn't see them. We spent the say together and talked some more. Around 9:30pm I told him that he better get going because I don't want him to drive home too late because I was afraid that he would fall asleep. He then looks at me and I knew that he wanted to come back. So I let him back I kow it wasn't that long since I kicked him out but I am hoping that it doesn't bite me in the ASS.

The weekend that he came back home we went to his parents house because we were suppose to go to church... whatever but we just wound up spending the weekend with them. On Sunday he gets a call from "S" (yes I know her name but we will just use "S") letting him know that her water had broke and was 1cm dialated and was admitted to the hospital. We go about our busy and then on Monday morning, October 9th, while we were out taking care of business for our new apt. (I pray to the Goddess we get this place) she calls him and I guess asks why he didn't come or call her. He told her that we were out taking care of business. She goes on to tell him that she had the baby and that she would be in the hospital until Thursday because she had a c-section. He gets the information and told her that he would go up there later on that day. So my possible step-daughter (still in question as we are still waiting to get the DNA test done) was born on Oct. 9th at 6:35 a.m. She weighed 7lbs 14ozs and was 20in. long.

Well later on wound up being right then. So we ALL wound up going to the hospital. The only person missing was our dd because she was in school. Can you believe that he brought me to the hospital??? But the boys and I stayed in the car for 45 minutes while he was up there. He was lucky that I couldn't drive because I surely would have driven off. LOL Then he goes to visit the next day and comes home in a funk because his arm hurts from holding the baby. Then only talks to her on the phone for the next few days.

Then he texts me this past Monday telling me that he would be home around 8:45pm which is 2 hours later thanhe is expected to be home because he was going to take some stuff that his boss (the store manager) got for the girl and told me not to be mad. Sure buddy!! Why couldn't she take it??? I felt kinda foolish because here my hubby is taking stuff to his mistress for a baby out of our marriage that his boss bought. Talk about looking like BooBoo the Fool! Anyways, I just don't say anything to him about it and went about my business.

Then yesterday he was going to take the baby to the doctor because the girl can't drive for another week or so but the powers that be changed that plan and her father wound up taking her. But he was over there with them for a long time because he didn't get home until 9:30pm and he left her at 1:45pm.

I don't mean to be a bitch but I feel like he is going above and beyond for someone who doesn't know whether this is their child or not. But all will be revealed soon!!! They are suppose to be doing the paternity test on next Friday, Oct. 27th. That day can't come soon enough for me!!!!!!!!! It's really sad because I don't even want to find out the sex of our baby for two reasons... 1) I don't want to hear that I am having another boy. I already have two of them! and 2) I don't want to hear that I am having a girl because her baby. so I guess I am shit out of luck either way. LOL