Am I Foolin Myself???
Am I fooling myself into believing that my hubby really still loves me and wants to be with me? I mean am I thinking with my heart or is my mind trying to fool me? Like I have already said, we hardly talk and when we do it's like 2 words if that. He has been distancing himself from me for almost 2 1/2 weeks now and counting. I mean we don't even make love like we used too. It used to be like almost every day but now it's maybe once a week. I guess he really doesn't love me anymore and I am just being nieve about the whole thing.
All I know is that I love my hubby despite all of this and I feel so bad that this all has happened but I feel as if I am getting the shaft. I guess I wasn't forgiven enough for him. I guess I didn't make it all better right at the beginning. I guess my love isn't what he wants anymore.
I know at this point that he thinks that I am irrational but I am not trying to be that way. I am trying to be the devoted wife that has stuck by her man regardless of his shortcomings but he seems like he wants me to be that raging lunatic of a wife so he can say.. see I told you she was going to go ballistic and make it out to be my fault.
Even though he is sitting in just the other room from me, he really isn't here with me. It seems like we just keep arguing and ever since we had that conversation about connections not being the same, it has really been plaguing on my mind. I have been trying to figure out why our connection isn't the same and I came up with a couple of thoughts.
1) We aren't connecting because he is preoccupied with his life outside our home & relationship, that he isn't devoting the adequate amount of energy to our relationship.
2) We aren't connecting because I am always on the defensive about how he is acting, or where he's been or who he's talking too and it just makes him act out even more.
3) We aren't connecting because we aren't both working toward the same goal. It's like we are constantly fighting against each other instead of with each other.
4) We aren't connecting because we are Both afraid!!! For him, I don't really know what he is afraid of. As for me, I know that I am afraid that no matter how hard that I try that he will still not love me and will wind up leaving.
Do I think that we should not be together anymore?
~ NO, I don't think that at all.
Do I want us not to be together anymore?
~ NOPE!!
Do I want our relationship to get through this rough patch and us come out even stronger??
~ HELL YA!!!
Our emotions are sooo confused right now that, we are saying spiteful & hateful things that we really don't mean. Now a days I try not to argue because it is just a waste of energy that could be used in a more positive way.
I really hope that he knows that I love him dearly and that I will do almost anything for him... I will not murder, sorry! But I have and will continue to be here for him as long as he continues to treat me with respect. I can't say as long as he loves me back anymore because he doesn't love me like he used too. It's a sort of mutated love at this point. It's like he loves to hate me. You know the love/ hate relationship? LOL
I want to believe that he loves me and want to still be with me but his actions are proving otherwise... No I am not just talking about him coming home at 1:23am but his body language and his constant ignoring me. I guess when he said that he was going to love me better on Mother's Day, he wasn't really sure or he has now cjanged his mind.
This is all sooo hard because I am sharing my hubby with another woman. I neber thought that something like this would happen. I thought that I had found the perfect man. The man that would never hurt me but I was oooohhhh so wrong. He has hurt me in the worse way and it seemslike he doesn't even care. Well actually he has told me that he doesn't care. So I am sooo confused about what his intentions are at this point. I know you are probably wondering why am I still here with him because I can't let him go!!! I love him sooo very much... he is my heart and soul!!!!
All I know is that I love my hubby despite all of this and I feel so bad that this all has happened but I feel as if I am getting the shaft. I guess I wasn't forgiven enough for him. I guess I didn't make it all better right at the beginning. I guess my love isn't what he wants anymore.
I know at this point that he thinks that I am irrational but I am not trying to be that way. I am trying to be the devoted wife that has stuck by her man regardless of his shortcomings but he seems like he wants me to be that raging lunatic of a wife so he can say.. see I told you she was going to go ballistic and make it out to be my fault.
Even though he is sitting in just the other room from me, he really isn't here with me. It seems like we just keep arguing and ever since we had that conversation about connections not being the same, it has really been plaguing on my mind. I have been trying to figure out why our connection isn't the same and I came up with a couple of thoughts.
1) We aren't connecting because he is preoccupied with his life outside our home & relationship, that he isn't devoting the adequate amount of energy to our relationship.
2) We aren't connecting because I am always on the defensive about how he is acting, or where he's been or who he's talking too and it just makes him act out even more.
3) We aren't connecting because we aren't both working toward the same goal. It's like we are constantly fighting against each other instead of with each other.
4) We aren't connecting because we are Both afraid!!! For him, I don't really know what he is afraid of. As for me, I know that I am afraid that no matter how hard that I try that he will still not love me and will wind up leaving.
Do I think that we should not be together anymore?
~ NO, I don't think that at all.
Do I want us not to be together anymore?
~ NOPE!!
Do I want our relationship to get through this rough patch and us come out even stronger??
~ HELL YA!!!
Our emotions are sooo confused right now that, we are saying spiteful & hateful things that we really don't mean. Now a days I try not to argue because it is just a waste of energy that could be used in a more positive way.
I really hope that he knows that I love him dearly and that I will do almost anything for him... I will not murder, sorry! But I have and will continue to be here for him as long as he continues to treat me with respect. I can't say as long as he loves me back anymore because he doesn't love me like he used too. It's a sort of mutated love at this point. It's like he loves to hate me. You know the love/ hate relationship? LOL
I want to believe that he loves me and want to still be with me but his actions are proving otherwise... No I am not just talking about him coming home at 1:23am but his body language and his constant ignoring me. I guess when he said that he was going to love me better on Mother's Day, he wasn't really sure or he has now cjanged his mind.
This is all sooo hard because I am sharing my hubby with another woman. I neber thought that something like this would happen. I thought that I had found the perfect man. The man that would never hurt me but I was oooohhhh so wrong. He has hurt me in the worse way and it seemslike he doesn't even care. Well actually he has told me that he doesn't care. So I am sooo confused about what his intentions are at this point. I know you are probably wondering why am I still here with him because I can't let him go!!! I love him sooo very much... he is my heart and soul!!!!
posted by Hurting Mama at 9:54 AM
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