Still in a State of Confusion!!

I really don't know to approach how I feel at this point. I have tried to talk to hubby about his feelings for me but it seems that he is being elusive. For instance last Friday, I bring up that I feel like I just got a roller coaster and it feels weird to stand on solid ground. He kinda got all quiet and then tells me to spit out what I am trying to say. I told him that I am unsure of how he feels about me. He gets quiet.

I know this may just be me being suspicious due to all that has happened BUT I feel like there is someone else in his life and that he is only here now out of principle. I don't want to accuse him but he has given me his wedding band and that seems like something really strange to do considering the situation. I think I may ask him when he gets home tonight why he has given me his wedding band. I can't help but imagine the worse at this point considering he said that he would stop wearing only when he got a divorce. Plus earlier this week I couldn't put mine on due to my hands being swollen and he took his off then. At this point, I am pretty sure that he doesn't want to be with me but he just doesn't want or know how to tell me.

While I am sad about this, I am being to become numb to it all. HE has hurt me sooo much these past few months that I pretty much expect the worse at this point. I don't want to accuse him of cheating again but I am afraid that it's happening. I am hurting sooo bad at this point and I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I wanted the nightmare to end but I don't feel like it has.

Is he lying to me about who he is with? Who he is talking/texting on the phone? Why does he keep coming home hours later than what he says he will? Hell is he still talking to the girl that he had "feelings: for? I mean there are soo many questions going through my head at this point that it's not even funny anymore. Does he still even want to be with me? I mean he said that I should know how he feels at this point because he is still here but how do I know that he is here because HE WANTS TO BE HERE or not for some other reason? Is he still leading a double life? The one with me and the one that doesn't involve me?

I just don't know what to do. I am sooo utterly lost and I am being to actually HATE him unlike before when I just couldn't see straight and disliked him a lot. But now it seems like the more that I try to trust him the more he shits on. I guess at this point he really does have to do some spectaculr work for me to even try to trust him when he is not in my presence. At first I used to be comfortable with the thought that he is at work but considering that is where he and the girl hooked up that shit is out the door. Now this other person that he is talking too if in that way also works at his job.

What the FUCK is going on here??? Where did I fuck up sooo bad that I am getting played by the man who claimed to be sooo devoted to me? Did I wrong him soso badly that he is just going to continue to lie to me day in and day out? I mean is he cheating on me with another woman? Is there someone else that he is secretly talking too but it hasn't escalated to the actual sex act yet? I mean all of these thoughts are running through my head at this time.

I would say that I am just being stupid but it seems like he tries to stay out as much as possible. Like he texts me saying that he would be home around 6:30pm but it's already after 7pm. Should I call or text to see if he even left where he was supposedly at? No I have found myself not wanting to check up on him because he is where HE wants to be. Maybe I am stupid for trying to salvage something this marriage when it appears that the other party doesn't give a damn if we stay together or not.

Lately I find myself wanting to send him emails about how I feel but am afraid that he will tkae it the wrong way. I mean the last email that I sent him he took parts of it the wrong way and I was only responding to his email. It seems that he just doesn't care how I feel these days or what his actions are proving to me. Just because he still wants to have sex with me doesn't make me feel anybetter. I actually feel worse and oftern times find myself crying while we are doing it. He doesn't see of course because the lights are off. I just feel like he is doing it because he morally has too because we are married.

This marriage is so not cool anymore. I never in my life would have pictured it this way. I know it happens but it wasn't suppose to happen to me. I have been the dutiful wifef. I have been strong and stood by my hubby during the hard times as well as the good. How was I rewarded??? I can't even look into his eyes or face anymore because I hate him with all of my being. All I can see is him with another woman and not even the original mistress. It hurts sooo much because I trusted him with my heart and he knew how hard that was considering what happened to me in my past. Now he not only broke it but seems to continually be doing it.