When is Enough, Enough?

I know I have asked this question before but this for a total different reason now. Let me begin at the beginning sort of speak. It all started Mother's Day. My hubby went to Magic Mountain supposedly with his brother. He left our house on Saturday morning at about 11am but didn't return home until almost 3am Sunday morning. When he did arrive home I was really upset and I didn't want to get into an argument so I got the baby and stuff to sleep on the couch. Well that was the wrong thing to do because it appears that my hubby didn't like that idea too much. He gets up all pissed and acting like a fool. I asked him why it took so long for him to get home when I know the park closed at 11pm. He gave me some BS excuse about it took a long time to drive home. While I do know that it takes a minute to get here but 4 hours was ridiculous.

So he gets to yelling and screaming. Then it was like out of a scary domestic violence movie. He got all in my face and then he began to grab me really hard and started shoving me around. It scared the living daylights out of me. It was like he was possessed or something. I was scared and i didn't know what to do. But then my youngest son came out of his bedroom because he heard the commotion and said "Daddy no hit Mommy! Daddy Bad!! No Hit Mommy!" and it was like a light turned on in my head. He then picked me up by my throat and was choking me and I was like, I can not believe this. So I said to him, "so you are going to choke me in front of our son?" and he said with no hesitation and soulless, "Yes I am going to choke you!". Then it was like something came over me and I picked up our vacuum cleaner and hit him with it. He stopped but took ALL the phones and house keys, so I wasn't able to call the cops or even get out of the house.

When I finally was able to get a phone I took me and the children and left because I felt that was not acceptable. We stayed away for a few days to let him think about what he did and for me to decide if it was worth coming back too. So I decided that I would come back but that seems like that was a horrible thing to do because of what happened the day after father's day... but you will have to stay tuned for that post as I don't have time to write about that just yet.

Until next post...

Most Beautiful Baby Ever Born!!!

Okay I guess I shouldn't say that as I believe that all of my children are beautiful. I guess my feelings are amplified due to what the baby had to endure the whole gestation period. So without further ado, here is my birth story:

I started having contractions the night of Feb. 5th and they were really close like every 5 mins for like 3 hours. I was like is this the real thing or was i just losing my mind. So I went to sleep and when I woke up they were gone. So on Feb. 6th, dh and I decided that I would go and walk some to see if I could get the contractions to start again and they did but after awhile they subsided again. Then dh started to get a little on edge so we did what got us there in the first place. LOL My contractions started up and they kept on going so we took the children to my parents house and went to the hospital. I think the main reason why I went is because I kept having contractions but nothing was really progressing.

So on Feb. 7th we wound up in L & D where they hooked me up the machines and monitored me for like an hour and my contractions had AGAIN slowed down and when they checked me I was 1cm with 70% effacement. So they sent me home but before they did that's when all the questions started about pre-natal care and how do I know my due date is really the 8th. blah blah blah. so the midwife set me up with all kinds of appts. i got bloodwork done before i even left the hospital that night and then the next day on the 8th I was sent to get an in-depth ultrasound done to make sure the baby was alright and she was of course but my technician didn't have any idea of what she was doing because we were there for an hour and a half and she had to call someone to help her see. can you believe that???

then i had an appt on feb. 9th to get a non stress test (NST) done and have my amniotic fluid level checked and also to see the ob/gyn. that's when i found out that my fluid level was at 6.2 and if was near 5 i would be induced. the ob checked me and even though i was having contractions, i was still only 1 cm dialated, 70% effaced at -1 station and my cervix was posterior. then he scheduled me to have another NST and amnio fluid check for saturday feb. 10th. when i went in that day i my fluid was supposedly at 8.6. so i didn't think anything of it and went about the rest of my weekend because i already had an appt for monday the 12th to get another NST and amnio fluid check.

at this point we were so tired of driving 45 miles to the doctor that we really didn't even feel like going anymore but i guess dh was the sensible one, so we made the trip once again this time with ALL of our children in tow because dd didn't have school for the holiday. the NSTs were always great but when she checked my fluid it was at 3.something all i remember was her saying to me "your time is up" and me saying "oh sh!t". big laugh her asking me if i had somewhere to be and me saying i have to find someone to watch my children. LOL

we started calling everyone and the nearest person was still an hour away from us. i stalled in the waiting room of the L & D dept for about 1/2 hour with my chart. then i finally went and checked in about 11:30am. they didn't start my induction until 1:30pm and it progressed slowly as they induced me with pitocin because my cervix was 80% effaced and i was dialated 3cm but still at -1 and posterior. so the doc pulled my cervix forward and i we waited for something to get started.

i can say that stuff didn't really get started until about 6:30-7pm because that is when i finally was at 6 cms and things got hectic. LOL so i was laboring and my mom was trying to take my mind off of things by telling me to find my chi... we both do yoga and that was totally the wrong time but the right time. LOL labored some more and i could tell that i was near the pivotal point the last couple of cms because the pain was unbearable and my contractions were every 1.5 to 2 mins apart. i gave in ladies because i couldn't take the pain any longer and i got an epidural around 9:30 and by the time that they actually finished giving it to me, the doc checked and found out that i was completely dialated. i was afraid that it would've slowed my labor. LOL

once the epi kicked in it was about 10:45pm and i was still feeling the pressure but it was tolerable. LOL so the nurse asked if i was ready to push and i told her yep, so she and dh had me pushing until about 11:15pm and then she told me to hold on because she had to get either the midwife or ob to come and deliver the baby can you believe that? LOL it was too bad because little mama was coming out all by herself at this point. big laugh the ob finally arrived and around 11:45pm and i was free to push. my beautiful baby girl was born on 2/13 at 12:05am.

A Lot To Catch Up On

Wow has it really been almost 6 months since I last posted to this blog? Well I guess it has. So I bt you are wondering how things have turned out right? Has things gotten better? Are we still married? Has our relationship gotten better or worse or maintained the same? Oh I can't forget the ever important, what the sex of our baby is and when the baby was born? I will be updating to get you all caught up but I won't mix the good with the bad though. My baby's birth was amazing and I don't want to mix it with some hatred laden post. So I will being my updates in the next couple of posts.

Until then...

To scared to come to you!!

I am too afraid to confront you on how I am feeling right now. I know that you are still talking to the woman that you cheated on me with. I don't know who this new woman is but you sure do talk to her a lot too. Is there someone else but you just can't seem to leave? I am hurting soo much that it's not even explicable. I am back to not knowing what to do with myself or who you even are.

You have been lying to me and when you get caught you try to play it off with sarcasm or to be all lovely dovey. This isn't right the way that you are treating me. I can see it in your eyes that you don't want to be here anymore. I can see that you don't love me the way that you used too. I can see that you are possibly only here for the kids?? I don't know why you are here to be totally honest. If you are only here for the kids then you need to leave.

I text you yesterday expressing my feelings about you now working overnight and you don't even call or text me back but you text a "co-worker" of yours numerous times. When you do finally address the situation, you ask me "what was the point of texting me if you were going to add your final line?" I was trying to tell you how I feel stupid. Then you make a half-ass attempt at doing what you think I wanted. I didn't want to have sex with you. That was not why I sent that text. I wanted to hear you say that you love me too and that we are going to get this together and we are going to be okay. But not you, you think that sex solves everything. No it doesn't. Sex is what you got in trouble for in the first place. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind at this point. It doesn't even feel good considering I am almost 8 mos (32 weeks) pregnant. I bet you don't even know that tomorrow I will be 32 weeks, do you?

It's really sad because right now I don't even want you to be in the delivery room when I have our child. I don't feel like you should get the privilege of witnessing such a beautiful event. Hell you not in so many words told me that I should have an abortion but I guess I should be used to that at this point as you have told me that with our previous 3 children. I feel like I have been doing everything on my own so far, so why should I share this with you?

I have been our children's mother and father. You were out there doing your thing while I was the one home sick & pregnant taking care of sick children. I was the one home when our children woke up screaming in the middle of the night while you were out doing what you wanted to do. You consider yourself a real father but to me you are nothing but a cowardly man who doesn't seem to want to take care of his responsibilities.

Still I ask myself why do I put up with your bullshit? Why do I subject myself to your pain? Remember it might have taken all the courage that I could muster up but I did put you OUT! I didn't even ask for you to come back. You made the decision and choose to come back. I choose to let you back into my heart and house. How do you repay me? You continue doing the same stuff as before. I think that I may have to accept the fact that you truly don't love or respect me and that I will have to ask you to leave. I know it's going to hurt like hell considering how long we have been together and how many children we have together but it may just be for the best interest of my sanity and their well-being.

Is there no end to this fog??

Well about a week ago I found some ticket stubs. At first I thought there were ours (hubby & I) because we went to the movies earlier that weekend but when I picked them up they said "Saw III" which is the movie that we saw but the date was 11/07/06 & time was 6:45pm and we went to the movies on 11/24/06 and our movie started at 7:50pm. Not to mention that this was at a totally different movie theater to boot.

So I don't say anything to him for a couple of days because I was just trying to figure out if I was over reacting or if I had reason to be crazy. Then one day he said something to me that set me off. SO I question him about why he lied about where he was to the point where he came home in different clothing to pull off this lie. All he kept saying to me is that he lied. That he went to the movies with his friend and no he didn't go with her. How am I suppose to believe that? You lied to me about where you were going to be not to mention that you didn't say anything at all.

I ask him why he is still here with me if he's fucking someone else. He says because he wants his cake and eat it too. That really hurt my feelings A HELL OF A LOT! He goes on to say that there isn't any other woman but how can I believe that when there has been another woman since possibly Dec of 2005?

Sometimes I Just Want to Scream!!!

I don't know maybe I am demented or something but common courtesy would tell someone to call or text if their plans have changed, no?? I mean you call me at 6:20pm and tell me your are taking your co-worker home giving me some long sob story and then I am expecting you to come home. Silly me! I shoudl have known since you were going toward the direction of your good buddy who just happen to get the new playstation 3 that you wouldn't be right home. I just wish that you would take the courtesy to give me a call to let me know. Hell it's not like it will take away any of your mins, we have mobile to mobile. I guess I am suppose to assume that is what you are going to do.

Sometimes I wonder if you like having the whole animosity between the 2 of us. Does it give you some kind of thrill or something? I mean why would you do that? What is the point? i just feel like a total idiot at this point. do you want to be with me or are you just here for the kids??

Like we have some very serious decisions to make at this point about where we are going to be living come the first of Dec. Have you given it any thought? You told me that the kids and I will go and stay with my mom and you will go and stay with yours until we can get us a new place but how long will that be??

When to call it quits!!!

no i am not leaving my hubby. actually things are actually starting to get better for us since the results came back and we had a serious discussion regarding where we from here.

BUT here is what i am talking about. i know for a fact that homegirl has tried to call hubby twice this week... once on monday and again today. to the best of my knowledge he hasn't called her back... not on his cell phone anyways. don't ask me how i know about who he talks too on his cell phone... i just do!!!! LOL i believe she left him a message on Monday due to the duation of the call (1min) but not today (5 secs).

hello chick are you not getting the picture here. he hasn't returned your calls and he hasn't picked up his phone when you call. the times that she is calling him at he isn't even at work yet so he could talk to her if he wanted too BUT he is choosing NOT TOO!! it looks almost like she is desparate or something. you guys didn't have a relationship and if you THOUGHT you did and that he was going to be with you even after he found out the baby wasn't his, you were horribly mistaken. he doesn't want mess up his situation that he already has established with me and our children.

part of our discussion was about being COMPLETELY honest with each other and would have to to tell me that he talked to her because i asked him not to talk to her anymore as there was nothing left to be said. results are back and he isn't the father, so she needs to go elsewhere with that. plus he is suppose to be starting with a clean slate and that sure is a way to FUCK IT UP quick!!!